The Unknown: The Red Line.
Typing Test for Unknown Employment

(Please complete in 5 minutes
or until the person giving you the test returns)

When you are ready to look for your first job with the Unknown, you will realize that you need job leads with the Unknown and must know what is expected of you in the Unknown corporate headquarters. Beginning Unknown workers quite often fail to give enough time or consideration to determining the kind of Unknown work in which they are interested and for which they have competence. After you determine what parts of The Unknown you want to work with and are competent to work in, use a variety of job leads to obtain initial job employment. These leads could be found buying Dirk a series of drinks, including buttermilk, or by impressing Scott with your children’s book of branching story paths and stunning visuals, or by writing a complex formal poem with 20 consonants for William’s “Newspoetry” site, or even by dropping off a substantial amount of your favorite illicit substance along with a witty or quixotic note.

Your teacher will explain what your school will do to help you, but do not depend on the school alone. Realize the value of many leads, and follow them up quickly. If you can do so, study a sample online application blank before applying for a job as you will likely have to write a character sketch before you are given an interview. From the study of the blank you will soon realize that it is necessary to be concise and creative in making up the information asked for. Don’t always make an appointment if you expect to have an interview. Too many beginning workers think that this must be done. Sometimes it’s better to simply drop by the Unknown offices with a bottle of expensive liquor. The main purpose of a job interview is to help the Unknown determine the sort of person you are and just what you can do for the Unknown and what you expect in return.

Take your credit cards with you for your interview. Also take a data sheet that lists your school marks, except for those that you don’t wish to disclose, a vague description of your skills, two or three references (drinking buddies or casual acquaintances will suffice) and the names of any previous employers, along with notes on why you don’t want to work for any of those bums anymore. Realize you may have to answer questions about your hobbies or personal habits, especially if they are peculiar, or make for good story material. When you go for the interview for the new job at The Unknown, be prepared to take tests which may or may not prove your competence, or may prove nothing at all. No matter how expert the Unknown interviewing you, she or he will probably want to have some paperwork to shuffle around, as she or he cannot be sure of the soundness of her or his judgment without some irrelevant test results to aid in checking her or his appraisal of your work competence, even though most of the Unknown skill tests, such as the one in basic Swahili grammar, will have little to do with whatever job you are applying for, and may in fact be impossible to complete.

You can expect a part of the employment test to be on English, spelling, and arithmetic. The Unknown expect that you will know how to use a computer to spell-check a document, and though none of the partners are particularly adept with arithmetic, they have a great deal of respect for people who do have math skills. If the job requires skill in typewriting, the test will undoubtedly call for a timed writing and for the typing of a letter or two and a tabulated report. Don’t be surprised if the Unknown take these papers from you and then ignore them completely. They were probably just assessing how you act under stress, or maybe they wanted to keep you busy while they finished a round of golf on their computers. Such a test is not very important, and could be thought of as a routine quiz.

Once they are on the job, beginning workers seem to have difficulty in spelling, in filing, and in using the telephone. The Unknown suspect this is because of drugs, boredom, and uncomfortable headsets. Some find their basic skills quite good: but when they have an unexpected problem or see one of the partners in a compromising position or under the influence, they don’t seem to realize that they should just ignore whatever they just saw and continue to do whatever they were doing. This all adds up to trouble.

There is a need for good personal relations with your fellow workers. This is why we started The Unknown softball team, and this is also why the Unknown can so often be found together with their employees in neighborhood taverns. A jealous worker can cause a lot of friction. Cliques that exclude some just because they are not liked, or don’t write enough, or resort to cliche, or are just plain jerks, will cause trouble too. Where people work together in a busy Unknown office, some may antagonize others, and yet they may not know it. It pays to have good personal relations.

(If you have already typed this far, you either type too fast or should check on the person giving you this test. Please do that now. In the event that the person giving you this test is found unconscious in a pool of drool on the desk, or on the floor near the desk, please lightly check the pulse of the person giving you the test. If the pulse of the person giving you the test is positive, please pour some of the water found in the cooler in the reception area into one of the white paper cones attached to the side of the water cooler. There is a bottle of aspirin on the desk to the left of the water cooler, and there are also several packages of Tums. Please take the cone of water, one aspirin, and two Tums, back to the person who is giving you the test. Shake the shoulder of the person in the pool of drool lightly, and offer him or her the water and tablets. You are hired. In the event the pulse of the person giving you the test is light, or negative, or if you are not able to revive the person in any way, please immediately call Marla [*1 on all office phones], and tell her to send help quick. Thank you for typing. You may now stop typing. Please stop now. Stop typing. Thank you.)


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The Unknown at Spineless Books.