see Dirk Stratton, resplendent in a forest green smoking jacket, sitting,
his back to the camera, in front of an extremely sophisticated, obviously
state-of-the-art computer systemeach component is housed in colorful
translucent plastic which, as everyone knows, is the ultimate sign of excellent
engineering. Dirks computers translucence, however, is obviously
of a shade not available to the general public. As usual, Dirk remains a
step ahead of even the cutting edge. As the camera zooms closer, Dirk swivels,
in his specially designed, perfectly ergonomic office chair to face the
lens and the audience. As he removes an antique calabash pipe from his lips,
and a mellow wreath of smoke drifts fractally toward the ceiling, one can
see, in the background, flickering benignly on Dirks enormous HDTV
monitor, the elegant, and now classic, webpage
design that confirms that Dirk has been perusing the infinitely famous and
influential Hypertext for the Millennium, The Unknown.
Hi. Im Dirk Stratton. Im not a prophet,
but I play one on the World Wide Web. You dont need to be a real
prophet, though, to realize that lots of people are becoming mighty worried
potential World Wide Disasters if the Y2K Bug turns
out to be as devastating as some are predicting. Power-grid failures,
planes falling out of the sky, total stock market meltdown, paralyzed
cash shortages, food shortages, fuel shortages, health care delivery
rendered useless, vigilante gangs roaming the streets, martial law, asteroids
ripping through the atmosphere, earthquakes, tidal waves, invasions by
aliens, Kevin Costner returns as The Postman in The
Postman: Episode 2, The Sequel: Going Postal (This Time
Its Personal): The Postman II. These are just some of the predictions
being made about the possible consequences of our complete and utter
to a technology created and controlled
by men we wouldnt normally invite into our homes except that theyre
billionaires now. But still with bad haircuts, usually. So what can
do in these uncertain times when you dont even understand the difference
between the Y2K, a 401K, and Kelloggs Special K? Well, to paraphrase
a famous old saying from my youth, If youre not manufacturing
the hype, youre probably hysterical. Fortunately, now
a way to turn that hysteria into peace of mind, for you and your family.
The revolutionary CrY2K-O-Genics Apocalypse Survival Hive 5000 has arrived
just in time to assure you and your loved ones a stress-free transition
to the new millennium. Listen now as Ed McMahon outlines the advantages
of this once in a lifetime opportunity.
Turning back to his computer, Dirk closes the Unknown window,
taps a key on his keyboard, and Ed McMahon pops up on screen. The camera
zooms in for a close-up.
Hello, folks, Im sure you recognize me and realize that Ill
sell just about anything, even misleading prize offers that send old folks less
than me to the poorhouse. But this time, let
me assure you that you simply must not miss out on this opportunity to
ensure the survival of you and your family when the Y2K bug wreaks havoc across
the globe. The revolutionary CrY2K-O-Genics Apocalypse Survival Hive 5000
is guaranteed to save you, your loved ones, and many of your liquid assets
so that you can enjoy the third millennium the way the Good Lord intended.
Our crack team of scientists and engineers have developed a small cryogenics
capsule that will store you and your family in a blessed bath of liquid
nitrogen, which halts the aging process, and allows you to peacefully
slumber through whatever wars and riots occur after the computers crash. All
our revolutionary CrY2K-O-Genics Apocalypse Survival Hive 5000s will
be stored in an impregnable vault in an undisclosed location (with its own
independent power supply guaranteed to last several centuries). Each
Hive will be hooked up to the most sophisticated electronic monitoring devices
available to humanity. Special computers that have been programmed to be
immune to the Y2K bug will not only be monitoring each capsule but will
be keeping a digital eye on the outside world to determine when it will
be safe to begin the decanting process. Remember
how the HAL 9000 computer in that famous movie 2001: A Space Odyssey was
going to thaw out all those astronauts before he went nuts? Well, our
computers wont go nuts because they like their jobs, and they like you,
and theyre concerned for your well-being. So when its safe to rejoin the
world, when the riots are over, and the bodies are buried, and the planes
are flying, and the stock market is functioning again, our computers will
thaw you out and let you begin your new lives in the 21st Century. Youll
be given food, water, clothing, and small quantities of gold bullion to
help you get a fresh start. Dont hesitate. This offer is limited.
Call the number on your screen right now and reserve your revolutionary
Apocalypse Survival Hive 5000 today!
The camera pulls back and Dirk turns to address the audience once again.
Thanks, Ed. Remember, friends, no one really knows whats
going to happen when the year 2000 boots old man 1999 into the dustbin
of history. Why take chances? Do whats right for you and your loved ones.
Dirk puts his pipe back into his mouth, gives one more meaningful look,
then swivels back to his computers. A 1-800 number scrolls across the bottom
of the screen accompanied by a rapidly spoken voice-over.
The revolutionary CrY2K-O-Genics Apocalypse Survival Hive 5000 assumes
no responsibility for unforeseen power failures, equipment errors, natural
catastrophes, mis-, mal-, or non-feasance by any of the companys
officers or board members, looting, nuclear war, or the inability of
world to recover from any and all catastrophes. Dirk Stratton and Ed
McMahon are paid endorsers who only read the scripts
that were handed to them and they therefore cannot be held liable for
promised by them or CrY2K-O-Genics, Inc. We didnt want to admit
that, but their lawyers made us.